Saturday, July 28, 2018

DIVE TOO DEEP...into bionicle: MASK OF LIGHT {part4: the big game}

i wrote this entire post and then it disappeared. i think i actually erased it myself. someone please kill me.


Objects on right are smaller than they appear.

A stone triangle thing in the middle of the field magically depresses and the ball magically appears in it and gets magically tossed into the air. Takua and Hewkii both immediately jump like five feet into the air (which I guess is a thing they can do) to have a manly clash over the ball. While they have their manly masculine struggle, Hahli jumps in and steals it.

Toxic masculinity? More like Bionic...le masculinity, am I right?

It's not exactly important for the movie as a whole, but lets talk about the rules for Kolhii! The original Koli was a highly simplified version of soccer, used as a minigame in a couple GameBoy Advance games. With the name change, LEGO took the opportunity to rewrite the rules into something more fleshed out, being more like a mix of hockey and lacrosse.

The game can be done with any number of teams and any number of players per team. Since each village only has like two or three Matoran with names, the movie has two players on each team. One player is the goalie and carries a shield; every other player is a forward or offense or whatever you call it. Each player is equipped with a Kolhii staff, which has a hammer-like implement for hitting the ball on one end, and a scoop on the other for carrying it. Based on the movie, players are allowed to use their feet as well. Goals are scored the way you would expect. The first team to reach a specified number of points (three in the movie, though it doesn't bother actually telling you that) wins.

Now you know enough to be able to focus on just how fucking awful the editing for the Kolhii match is.

Halhi has possession and hits the ball toward Ta-Koro's goal, but misses. She retains possession, now aiming for Po-Koro's goal...until the next shot, when Hewkii has possession, followed by Takua, with Hahli lagging behind. Takua does a flippy thing to block Hewkii, who does a counter flippy thing to get around him. Another cut and now Hahli has possession again with Hewkii in pursuit and Takua nowhere to be seen. She does a wall-kick for no reason (it looks almost like possession switched to Hewkii between cuts and she's stealing it back, but I did a frame-by-frame and she has the ball in the scoop of her Kolhii staff). She then jumps like 10 feet in the air and hits the ball, which is now flying at her from nowhere (I frame-by-framed again - it is no longer in the scoop). Phew!

Jaller blocks.

"Nothing gets by the Captain of the Guard...unless he 
wishes it."
"I'll keep that in mind."

As a kid I was immediately like "You fool! Do not allow yourself to be ensorcelled by her feminine whiles! For is it not written, 'For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword'?"

Yeah, I talked like that when I was nine. And I'd totally committed the entire Book of Proverbs to memory.

(This joke was brought to you by BibleGateway. BibleGateway: For when you really need to know exactly how many heads the Beast from the Sea will have.)

For a long time, I wasn't sure what the explanation for this atrocious editing is. After all, this is animation. You don't find animation in the edit, you have it all planned out in the storyboards. However, after doing some thinking, I have a tentative, possible explanation.

The production company for Mask of Light was Creative Capers Entertainment, which is based in California. Oddly, according to Wikipedia, they only do 2D animation - which is probably why the actual animation was outsourced to Taiwan. If the instructions given to the Taiwan team were unclear, these kinds of slip-ups could easily result. Even without them, this scene would still be bad, (There are a ton of shots recycled throughout the game. For instance, every time the ball is hit into a goal, the animation of it bouncing around is the same.) it just wouldn't be as bad.

But all this should have been caught when they reviewed the dailies, anyway.

"Approved!"

...Or in editing.

Back in the world of fiction, Hewkii now has possession of the ball and hits it (jump-kicks it, actually) into Ga-Koro's goal. Since Macku has no lines and he will eventually have one, she is powerless to block it. Maybe if Hahli hadn't been flirting with Jaller she could have done something about that. Wait no talking is a free action never mind.

When the ball goes in, the announcer shouts what sounds like "Great ge--- Goal!" like he's a video game character interrupting himself because you killed the giant rat before he could finish telling you to press A to swing your sword. I can only wonder what "Great ge" was going to be.

While the Matoran may have elaborate Rube Goldberg machines for conjuring their goals out of the walls and serving a goddamn ball, they keep score with, yes - giant rocks.

Hey, look, they've got little colored flags to tell you which...rock...tube...
thing...corresponds to which village.

Cut, and he immediately scores on Ga-Koro again. Cut, and Hahli scores on...someone. There appears to be no goalie, so I assume it's Po-Koro and Hafu's on a smoke break or something. Actually...is that him up there keeping score?

For some reason this time and this time only, the goal's eyes somehow flash when the ball goes in.

It has something to do with lightstones, I guess. Or maybe microchips.

The movie's creators apparently felt they were going through this game in way too much detail, so they insert a time lapse.

Does anyone score in this elided interval? The creators aren't saying. But I'm sure nobody did. That would be important information.

Two hours later...

After all this running around and not scoring, Takua's Special Gauge is finally full, and he unleashes his EX Skill. You remember. It's the one the audience came for.

MMMMMOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGG
IIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNN
SSSSSLLLLOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW
MMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOO
TTTIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNN

His bold maneuver scores his team the winning goal! Ta-Koro wins! Congratula--- Yeah, you can guess what happens. He falls flat on his face, and the ball soars off and embeds itself in the wall with stone-smashing force, nearly murdering Vakama in the process.

Jaller, his Morale Meter depleted due to this embarrassing display (and likely under the effects of both the Fatigued and Infatuated status conditions), is unable to block Hahli's shot, and she scores, winning the game.

Takua has an amazing super-move he just can't pull off. I wonder if this will show up again later.

All you betting folks out there ought to have seen this coming from 20 miles away. It's the start of the movie, so the heroes can't win. As for the other two teams, two other, almost as powerful story forces are operating in tandem. This is an American movie, which means The Girls have to win, and the champions have to lose. Who do you think's going to win? The most skilled players? What do you think this is? An anime?

(This kind of scenario is actually a double-bind. Traditionally one would expect the boys to win, therefore by storytelling law this must be subverted. However, this cannot be doubly subverted, because that would be indistinguishable from playing it straight. Some kind of quadruple subversion might be possible, but it would be so intricate and subtle that no one - including the author - would be able to comprehend it. Another option would be to recognize this scenario for the false binary that it is and explore the infinite sea of possibilities, perhaps by having mixed-gender teams, but unfortunately our current understanding of the laws of physics indicates this impossible outside of a black hole.)

But wait a moment, all this veiled sexism deep understanding of storytelling convention someone could misconstrue as veiled sexism has distracted from something. Hahli missed (twice) on scoring on Ta-Koro, and scored once on Po-Koro. That means Ga-Koro has one point. And Hewkii scored twice of course, so Po-Koro has two points. She just scored on Po-Koro, so Ga-Koro has two points. The game shouldn't be over, it should be tied. Unless...

Oh no.

They scored during the time lapse.

Ha...

This is monumentally stupid. Along with the preceding time lapse and the already shoddy editing, it shows how sloppily made the Kolhii match is, which is to say that the film's creators must not have put much care into it. However, that just begs leads to the question: Why is the match here in the first place?

Well, it's fan service. (Kind of like the anime fanservice we're all familiar with, but just as embarrassing to show your friends, and...just as sexually appealing, when you think about it. Hm. That sentence didn't go where I expected it to. What were we talking about?)

It's fan service, and in that respect it's a worthy inclusion. If I'm 10, I want two things out of a Bionicle movie: I want the Toa to fight shit, I want Makuta, and I want to see some Kolhii. And if I'm 24? I want the Toa to fight shit, I want Makuta, and I want to see some Kolhii. Seriously though, Kolhii is one of those special little things that, from a fan perspective, you "have" to include.

But Takua and Jaller have to take a whirlwind tour of the whole island, the Toa need to fight some Rahkshi, and when I bought the Takanuva set I watched the mini CD-ROM that came with it and know he has to Fulfill His Destiny and battle Makuta. And this movie is only 74 minutes long - including credits. Including preamble and post...amble (?), the Kolhii match is six minutes twenty seconds, or almost 12% of the runtime. Surely that time could have been better spent elsewhere?

In the filmmakers' very halfhearted defense, I think they recognized this. The sloppiness of the Kolhii match likely stems from the fact they either knew or realized how secondary it is. They could also have made the movie 90 minutes instead of 75...but I guess that's just crazy talk.

On an unrelated track, the match must also be a bit confusing for non-fans. Already reeling from the magic robots and their giant rocks, they now have to contend with some sports game they don't understand, which the characters seem to think is much more important than discovering the object in the movie's title. For anybody who doesn't know/remember anything about Bionicle, how well are you following this? I'm very curious.

Okay, I've gotta move on. After all, I still have a completely different, even bigger gripe to get to.

With the match over, Gali and Pohatu bro-fist (Sibling-fist? Gah. That just sounds wrong. Ew. Never mind.) over a good game. Tahu refuses to bro-fist, because he is a shit.

The players do the thing where they all say "good game" to each other like in middle school, only this is LEGO so they actually mean it. Well, all the players except Hafu. When I said Hafu "went on a smoke break" I apparently should have said "turned to smoke".

HEWKII: "Good shooting yourself, Hahli."

There, that's Hewkii's line. He has the exact same voice I would use with my friends when I was nine whenever I voiced a character I thought was really stupid and I hated. Incidentally, his voice actor also voices Kopaka.

Hahli says "Good defense, Macku," which is total bullshit. Macku was a terrible goalie, though since she was corporeal that still puts her ahead of Hafu. The only one who could possibly be described as having "good defense" was Jaller. I guess defense really doesn't win games.

Jaller has this line:

"Not bad...for a Ga-Matoran."

Ugh. But this is meant as a good-natured joke, so I will award half...one-quarter credi...will not deduct any...will deduct only half a point. This is the kind of crap I'd expect from a 2018 movie, not a 2003 one. Yeah, the kind of thing I'd expect in a movie from 2018, 2017, 2016, the rest of the 2010s, the aughts, the 90s, the 80s, the 70s, the...okay, never mind. Next screencap please.

VAKAMA: "Congratulations to Ga-Koro, and well played by all."

Then it happens. You know, it. You don't know what I'm talking about? Tune to the frequency of children's media, and cross-reference by the sound of good writing in agony. Then maybe you can divine what happens next.

Or you can just scroll down a little.

*laugh track*

The Mask of Light falls out of Jaller's pack. He and Takua each don't want to be noticed with it and starting kick it back and forth between them so that...so that...ah...

Wait, why don't they want to be seen with it? Their job - second in importance only to winning the Big Game - is to show it to Vakama. Did they read ahead in the script or something?

The word 'hack' (as in 'hack writer') has been criticized as being meaningless and, eh, I don't think so. A hack is a person who bolts together a story out of cliches. Wait, no, that's all writers. Let me try that again. A hack is a person who bolts together a story out of profoundly overused cliches, with little consideration of whether or not they make sense or are appropriate for the story.

Henry Gilroy, et al are hacks. They're reading straight from the trite kids' movie playbook. The fact this makes no sense in context probably never even occurred to them. This is a thing that would happen in a kids' movie, therefore it will happen. Say what you will about the art design - I certainly intend to! - but at least the folks responsible for it worked on it.

Well, let's wrap this up. Every time Takua touches the mask it glows, but he angles it with his foot so all the light points at Jaller. Because he's a shit. (And because he read the script.)


Wait, no, this is just wrong. Because Takua isn't a shit, he's a goddamn hero. For somebody who knows nothing about Bionicle, or even a casual fan, there's probably nothing strange or atrocious about this. But this movie doesn't exist in a vaccuum. These characters have had lives and histories. And all that was sacrificed just to...make a worse movie.

But what is so wrong about this? To answer that, you need to know who Jaller and Takua are. You need to know why they call Takua the Chronicler. No, the...the real reason they call him the Chronicler.

And we'll do that...not next time. Because next time, I'll finally get around to my thoughts and feelings about the character designs. I've wanted to talk about it so much, but I wanted to let people see a variety of characters themselves before I did so. And that time has come! Soon!

Goodb---! Oh, I almost forgot, I've gotta tally up how many times I said "sportsball". Let's see...hm, hm, hm-hm, carry the one, purl two, Rule of Threes, and the answer is... Zero! I didn't say sportsball a single time. Almost like implying I was going to overuse an overused joke word and then not using it at all was just one big gag I'd planned in advance. Almost.

つづく

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